From the time I was a baby I was taken to church. I was baptized as a Catholic to honor the wishes of my grand parents on my paternal side. ButI was raised in the Methodist church and learned songs and books of the Bible and Bible stories. But I didn't have a true understanding of the Trinity. I knew what the Trinity was-the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, but I didn't really understand it much. At the time it just wasn't so important. I knew and understood that Jesus died for sinners. I knew that God was everything and that ther Holy Spirit watching over me. God's Spirit talking to mine. Only mine wasn't listening much. I guess I knew but didn't really understand how it applied to me. I knew I was a child of God.

I remember accepting Jesus in my heart at around 8 at a Baptist church. But I was confused because I thought that Jesus already lived in my heart. But church was a big part of my life. It was like a huge family. When I was in Jr Hi, we got to be a part of the youth group called MYF or Methodist Youth Fellowship. We did lots of things, fund raising, community service, camping, fun parties, like the 50's and so on. When I was 17 and my cousin 15, she went to live in Fallbrook with my aunt and attended a Baptist church and got "reborn" She was really on fire. She came back to our youth group to share with us. Then one day we went to a youth rally with Andre Crouch and I was really moved. I was a pretty good kid, never did drugs and was pretty straight. But I didn't have God first in my life.

Then I met my boyfriend through my cousin. He was invited to our youth group. My cousin liked his brother. I was 17 and Jr was 18. He came to our youth group with his friends. I remember Joanie and I asking the brothers to skate. That was in Feb. By May I knew I really liked him a lot! I had no plans to get married soon. But by the time I graduated we were talking about marriage. We got engaged that October and married the following August 1974. It is sad to say that though we met at church,we didn't go to church much on a regular basis once we were married. We really enjoyed our one day off together, so we only went to church off and on. Though we each prayed, we didn't pray together, Once our kids came, church was hit and miss. Yes I taught the kids songs and stories from the Bible, but God was not first in our lives.

Then we moved to Corona in 1990. In 1991 I knew the Lord was calling us back. We looked for a church for a year until 1992 and we went to Harvest for a year, but the church was so big. At the time we went to Harvest, we had heard of another church called New Beginnings. But I didn't want to go to a church that met in a school, so we went to Harvest for a year. The music at Harvest really moved me. Then we finally went to NBCC or New Beginnnings Community Churchin 2/93. Pastor Jim Del campo taught in a way that really made me listen. And the praise and worship was so good like Harvest. So when he asked for people to accept the Lord in their heart or to recommit your life if you had fallen away. I did. I actually prayed for a more personal relationship with Jesus. I prayed that this wouldn't be a fad. After the service the people were so friendly and they welcomed us and made us feel like they really cared. So I really got into my Bible and I was eager to learn. Later my pastor and I talked. He said that the Lord was always there in my life watching over me because I was His Prodigal child. He was waiting for me to come running back to Him.

My relationship has really grown since then. I have learned so much since then, but the main thing is to trust in the Lord. To put Him first.I personally feel I was reborn again in 1993. It's as if the Holy Spirit was always surrounding me, but I actually let Him into me to lead me.It might not make sense. There has been so much growth in that time. You see I grew up thinking I had to "earn love" So when I when I recommitted my life, I went in full swing as if to make up for lost time. I was involved in everything. It actually hurt our marriage because I was spending so much time doing things. but the kids were enjoying it. I was a Sunday school teacher for 2 1/2 years and on the Women's board. Then I started going to the Women's Support Group and my lofe changed some more. I am learning to be just me and not someone I thought I had to be.

There is so much more to my story. I realize that I love God and I am a sinner, but I am not separated from God because Jesus saved me by His death. I know I am loved just for who I am. There is nothing I can do "earn my way" But because I love Him and He loves me, I want to serve Him. Service must be with a sincere and obedient heart. I realize that I did many things with the wrong motive, but mostly because I wanted people to love me, to accept me for me. But that couldn't happen until I learned to love me, the recovering perfectionist.

In January of 1998, something happened in ministry that really confused me. To make a long story short, something happened that made me feel like I was not good enough. I had a dream, actually a series of them. But it was the first dream that touched me the most. In the dream, I am walking down the hall to my office. As I enter my office I realize that my things are missing. I am not happy about it. I decide to go look for the things. As I walk down the office I am suddenly outside. I am surrounded my mountains and trees and the blue sky. I look towards one of the sides of a mountain and see my things hanging there. As I go towards them, they disappear.

I say “what is happening with my things” and then I hear “Susan, they are not yours. They belong to me. I let you use them to serve me.” Immediately I knew without a doubt, Who was talking to me and I felt so sad. I knew what God was telling me. I remember sharing that dream and the others I had with my closest friend Joanie. She said that God was clearly speaking to me. He loved me enough to take time to show me something.

I felt shame and sorrow and I wanted to drop out of ministry. But I was not a quitter. And then the next day I was asked to lead a recovery group. I was leading a group and the book we used was called Changes that Heal. Now wonder God had me lead the group, because I was going to stop going to support group when God knew I needed to be there. The book showed me lots of things I had been in denial of. Some were obvious and others I had not idea.

In March of that year, we had a guest speaker and she talked about the inner child and what we did to protect ourselves. I had been denying, stuffing my emotions most of my life, mostly to protect me. But the real me was dying to come out but so afraid. Who was the real me? It was like a dam wanted to burst in me and I was trying real hard not to let go and yet I knew I had to.

Then in March of that year, speaker talked about the inner child and what we hid to protect ourselves. Lots of things were coming to me and the sad things was that I still wasn't being honest about my feelings. I was still supressing them, not dealing with them. Out of fear. It was as if a dam wanted to burst in me and I was trying so hard to not let go, and yet I knew I had to. I would just pray to God to help me through it. I also had a few freinds pray for me. Notice how I said to help me though it, and not go away. I knew I had to go through this refining period. For the first time in life I felt so vulnerable and insecure and that was just not me. Anger, sadness, anxiety, were coming out cause it was a battle to maintain the I can do it all image. I can take care of others and seem like I had it all under control. But now I was actually beginning to realize I needed to admit to these things. I wasn't the strong women I thought I had been all these years.

In August of 1998 I went away for the weekend with my friends. I was happy to be with them, but this sadness just loomed over me. And one night we were talking. The lights were low and the fireplace on and I was sharing about not being able to cry. And they wanted to know why. I told them I was raised to be strong, and so I learned to stuff my feelings. I was always afraid of failing and to cry meant I was a failure at being strong. But I also realized I was afraid that if I let go, I might never stop. But God had plans for me As we prayed on Sunday, my friend Alice prayed that God would break the walls and help me to let go . I aslo prayed to the Lord to release me from this burden. And then I started crying and the dam broke and they all held me and prayed for me. I thank God for surropunding me with my 4 closet friends.

God wasn't finsihed with me yet. I still had lots to deal with. Something happened to me in November of that year that just seem to be the icing on my cake. I got into a disagreement with with a very close friend and I just couldn't deal with it. I didn't want to go to church and I felt like quitting and I was so depressed. So I finally had to see my Pastor. The pain was just so overwhelming. I spent 2 1/2 hours with Him. Lot of things came out then. He said the Lord wanted the yucky stuff to come out. I asked Pastor if he still wanted me to lead his women and facilitate the group and he he said yes. That satan wanted to defeat me. He said I was going ' though a rough time where I felt weak, about how I was still a strong women of God. He said to keep praying and asking others for their help and to accept it. Of course he prayed with me. My friend Cynthia really helped me through it, holding me as I cried and mothering me. My other friends were praying for me too. Now all this was going on while we were planning our Women's Retreat and luckily the speaker was a marriage and family counselor and I got some free counseling since I was the guest speaker liason. Jan 1999 and the retreat was a success. I was also able to make up with my friend at the retreat. She was hurting a lot through all this.

Things did get better for me. The Pastor said I would continue to be to be on a roller coaster of emotions as I learend to balance my emotions.I started this website at the end of 1999 and it has been good for me. An extension of the Newsletter I do at church.

In the summer of 1999, my husband and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary in front of our family and friends from church. We had been through a lot and we wanted to renew our vows and know that Gos was there and we wanted to share this with your kids that we were committed.

I wish I could say things got better. Some things did, but I still struggled with my emotions. I had a lot of anger that had been buried and issues that I still had to deal with. I could now see why we renewed our vows in front of family and friends. There were the ones that we would need support from during the next few years. In 2002, we finally agreed to go to counseling at our church will Pastor Eric. I also started seeing Eric by myself. After several months, Eric encouraged me to go back to my Dr and check to see if there was anything else that could be causing me to feel the way I was feeling. My counselor and Dr both heard how depression ran in the family. My Dr. was so kind and loving towards me. She told me I was a good Christian and that it was ok to take the medicine and she put me on antidepressants The first medication did not work. So I called my Dr back up and she gave me another one. The 2nd one worked. It was amazing to have the cloud lifted and I thank God for the help I received.

2005-Since I have been on meds, my family life is calmer. Work is satisfying. I have had training in lay counseling and I lead a recovery group for women who suffer from depression. My spiritual life had grown deeper and I am more freer when it comes to worship. I don't worry like I use to and I sleep good and enjoy life so much more now. God has given me liberty and freedom. Praise God!

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you
the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

I consider my web pages to be a form of my ministry; by reaching out to others. If one page touches someones heart, ot if I can minister to someone. Then I thank God I can be in His service. I am learning balance. But I know that God has to be first. There are so many things I am learning. I hope that I can share this with others. One thing I have learned is that our human nature wants to judge. I know I have and still catch myself trying to judge. I remember the grace and mercy the Lord has shown me and it softens my heart. But when it really comes down to it, only God knows our heart. Sin wants to control us, but Jesus love for us covers all our sins and so we can stop condeming ourselves and others. Our Pastor says to do what you feel the Lord is calling you do to. But have wisdom. Look on the postivie side and take every opportunity to let your actions demonstrate your love of God. Share with others so that they know who you are by not what we say, but what we do. I know I fall short a lot still, moslty at home. But God wants us to learn from our mistakes, to remember who we are in Him and keep fighting the fight, keep running the race. Your faith will sustain you! God bless you!

"Being confident in this, that He who began a good work in you
will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
Philppinas 1:6

The midi playing is called I Will Never Be The Same.

I will never be the same again I've closed the door,
I will walk the path I'll run the race,
and I will never be the same again.

Fall like fire, Soak like rain,
Flow like might waters again and again.
Sweep away the darkness, burn away the chaff,
And let a flame burn to glorify your name

There are higher heights, there are deeper seas
Whatever You need to do Lord, do it in me.
The glory of God fills my life,
And I will never be the same again.










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